


I will make them pay for taking my yams away

by orphan_account



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: AU, M/M, alternative universe, au where Jon works retail bc idk if the insitute pays their new researchers very well, hes like 12 and VERY edgy, how to deal w your evil eldrich obsessed little brother the guide, kid!elias, oh yeah jon is elias' adopted brother
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:35:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26002012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: During what was suppose to be a normal day at the Institute, the entire Archive cast is pulled through space and time into an alternate dimension where everything is just a little twisted.
Relationships: Jon Sims/Martin Blackwood
Comments: 12
Kudos: 42





	I will make them pay for taking my yams away

**Author's Note:**

> hey everyone! have some trash i couldnt stop thinking about. idk if im gonna continue this one at all but have fun w what it is
> 
> also the title is from cocoa yams by the mountain goats bc i have a theme

Wednesdays in the Archives, against impossible odds, tended towards being impressively average. Nothing seemed to happen, no kidnappings, no monsters in the tunnels. Even the statements seemed slower. 

Currently, the entire assistant crew had gathered for lunch. Daisy and Basira were seated next to each other at the table closest to the door. Melanie was scrolling through twitter while eating a spam sandwich. Tim had moved his laptop into their break room and was enjoying a cup of instant ramen. Martin had coaxed Jon out of his office with a cup of tea.

The minutes moved like molasses and both Tim and Melanie were too bored to make a dig at how Jon had finally come out of his office.

Martin had been all over Jon since Helen had tossed him back into the archives, and looked as if Jon had hung the moon and stars just by not keeling over and dying.

Thoughts of mockingly calling him the prodigal son drifted through Tim’s mind, but he decided it would have been too much effort to vocalize them. 

The tea kettle whistled and Martin moved to pour a few cups of tea.

Elias had left on a week-long ‘business trip’ at the Lukas Estate to ‘secure funding’ for the Institute and the oppressive feeling of being watched had mostly left with him.

The Unknowing loomed, and yet, this Wednesday was shaping up to be painfully boring.

Or it was, until Daisy’s head shot up.

Seconds later, the floor of the break room went out from under them as the world went black.

\------

Blinking in and out of consciousness, Melanie saw that she and the rest of the crew were falling through an endless tie-dye hellscape.

There was no up and no down, no right and no left. The rest of the archive team appeared to still be unconscious as they all fell. She tried to remember when they started falling, or from where, but her mind grew fuzzy as she tried to pin down details.

Fear gripped her heart as she realized that this might be the Unknowing. They may have been too late and the world had come to an end while they’d done nothing but eat lunch.

All felt lost, until she looked down for either the second time or the thirty first, and she saw what looked like a massive, open window thirty feet below them and approaching fast.

Just as her foot brushed the precipice of the window, her consciousness fled.

\------

Martin’s head throbbed as he came back to his senses. He felt as if he was laying on a pile of bones and angles. As he blinked the fog out of his eyes, he heard a maniacal cackle.

“Yes, Yes! It worked! My clone army will destroy the world!!”

Turning his head, Martin saw the source of the voice, a reedy-looking boy who looked to be about twelve or thirteen. There was something extremely familiar in the boy’s overly styled hair and the sneer on his face.

Martin also realized that all the members of the archives were piled on top of each other as Basira moved off of him. 

The boy went on, “Yes, after all my struggle and all my strife! You will be my army to open up desolation and destruction onto the world!”

Martin had no idea what this kid was getting at. With a start he realized he wasn’t lying on a pile of sharp bones, or that he was lying on a pile of sharp bones, but that sharp pile of bones was one Jonathan Sims.

Quickly moving off of Jon, Martin moves to help him into a sitting position.

“Now, I have big plans for us, but we must start small if we plan to bring the world to its knees. I think our best starting place will be taking out some low level threats.”

Jon shook himself and gave Martin a questioning look.

“Peter, from third period has been looking at me oddly for the past few months. I think his family is involved with the eldritch, so if we storm his family house that would make some waves. Establish ourselves on the eldritch world stage.”

Martin shrugged.

The kid looked as if he was about to launch into another tirade when there was the distant sound of knocking from a door a few rooms over.

The kid shot up, taking on a ram-rod posture.

“Okay, my loyal army, new plan,” he said, “my brother is going to be a massive obstacle. When he comes in, I’m going to need you to restrain him so we can begin our rule of terror.”

“What in the world-“ Melanie started, before the kid cut her off by holding a finger to her lips

“Be quiet! We need to get in a sneak attack.”

The sound of a door being unlocked, opened, and closed again was heard through the room.

The archive crew and the boy were dead quite.

An extreme familiar voice echoed out, “Elias, I’m home, you know you could always unlock the door for me if you insist on staying up this late.”

Suddenly, Martin realized why the boy looked so familiar, as he looked like what a younger Elias Bouchard would have looked like.

Exactly what a younger Bouchard would have looked like.

Apparently the rest of the group was having a similar revelation. Melanie began to pick herself up, ready to attack the boy.

A sharp knock from the bedroom’s door echoed around the room. Everyone stilled as the voice was heard again.

“Elias, I’m coming to say goodnight. If you’re jerking off tell me now so I don’t come in.”

All seven people in the room were silent. 

“Alright, I’m coming in.”

The door slowly moved open, revealing a nearly one to one copy of Jonathan Sims.

\------

Tim had seen some weird shit while working as an archival assistant, but seeing duplicates of his two bosses has to take the cake. The Elias copy was obviously different, as their Elias was around fifty and not nearly as loud. But, the Jon copy looked a lot closer to the Jon to his left. He looked a little less scared, but just as tired. Also he was wearing a rumpled Tesco’s uniform instead of Jon’s normal sweater vest, slacks, button down combo. What in the world was going on? Could that somehow be the real Jon in the door? It could have been like the Not Them, a fake copy of his Jon. 

“Go! My army! Charge him!!” Elias cried out, pointing towards the Jon in the door.

No one moved.

“Elias,” door Jon stared, “what the fuck?”

Alright, Tim had never heard Jon curse that causally, so the Jon in the door was definitely fake.

“Charge!!” kiddie Elias said, waving his arms in the air, looking at them expectantly.

No one moved.

Jon the clone turned his head and pressed his forehead to the doorframe, as if trying to ward off a migraine. 

“Elias, change the sign.”

“No! My army, get him!”

“Elias, I said _change the sign._ ”

With a huff, clone Elias walked past the pile of archivist workers over to a whiteboard labeled ‘It has been 14 days since Elias last attempted (and failed) to prove the supernatural/end the world.’

Tiny Elias wiped off the fourteen and replaced it with a zero.

Jon the second continued, now leaning on the door, with his arms crossed, “Now, how did you get all these people here?”

Elias clone now had his hands fisted at his sides and his shoulder hiked up to his ears.

“Jonathan, these aren't normal people. These are the most powerful avatars of an alternate dimension, who now work for me, to help me end the world.”

Clone Jon quirked an eyebrow.

“Yeah, sure,” he turned his head to look at the group on the floor, “I’m not sure what he said to get you all to do this, but I’m going to need you to clear out. Especially you Martin…”

He trailed off as Jon, the original, moved from behind Martin and into his line of sight. 

“Elias, who is that?”

“That’s you, if you were from an alternate dimension, and super powerful, and associated of my _super cool eye God, The Beholding._

Clone Elias looked incredibly smug, as clone Jon gripped the door frame. 

“I told you,” Elias-clone gloated, “I told you the supernatural was real.”

“Alright, everyone come to the kitchen. I refuse to deal with this in a room that smells like Doritos and pre-teen sweat.”

———

Shuffling out into the kitchen, Jon took a moment to take the apartment in. It was a rather small place sparsely decorated and not entirely unlike his own flat, although his flat has never had this much pre-teen mess everywhere. Several copies of violent looking Xbox games were scattered across the floor, accompanying multiple articles of dirty clothing.

“Sorry for the mess,” the Not Him said, “Elias was supposed to clean up while I was on shift, but it appears he did not.”

Jon looked over at Melanie and Daisy, hoping that they were thinking what he was. Namely that they needed to take out the Not Thems as soon as possible and escape.

The kitchen itself was dense and very clearly well used. 

The Not Him squinted and turned to them, “Sorry, I don’t really have any food to offer unless you all want cup noodles.”

Tim looked as if he was about to take the monster’s offer. Jon was ready to hit him.

Basira spoke up, her tone tense, “How did we get here?”

Not Elias spoke up, “I summoned you to be my alternate universe clone army!”

“And how did you do that?”

“Why, I used the key to my infinite power! It harnesses the power of The Spiral to create a window into another universe! I stole it from the Institute.”

Not Jon’s head whipped towards Not Elias, “That’s why you asked to come in with me to work a few weeks ago, you rat!”

Not Elias whipped out a kaleidoscopic window crank that appeared to be made of very reflective glass. 

“Do you know how serious this is? Give that back, you’re going to get me fired, Elias!”

Not Jon moved to grab the window crank and Not Elias jerked it out of the way.

Jerked it too hard, apparently, as the crank slipped out of his hand and went flying into the air.

As it arched through the air, it seemed to reflect fractals all across the room.

The window crank had barely touched the floor before it shattered, its fractals running free and dissolving into the floor.

The room was silent for a moment before busting into a mess of noise.

“How are we ever going to get home now?”

“You _stole_ that from the Institute?”

“God, we’re going to die here.”

“Is this what Nicola wanted!?”

“How am I ever going to raise the rest of my army now?”

“What the hell, kid Elias?”

“Quiet! _Quiet!_ ” Basira shouted, raising his hands above his head, “We’ll never find a solution if we all keep yelling.”

The room fell into an unhappy silence. Melanie glared at Not Jon, who was covering his face with his hands, murmuring about how he was going to lose his job and have to work at Tesco forever.

Basira sighed, “We should collect all relevant information about what’s going on.”

Daisy nodded and Tim spoke up, “I’d like to address the elephant in the room.”

Tim pointed to Not Jon and then to Not Elias before saying, “Brothers? How?”

Not Jon rolled his eyes, “If you’re asking why he’s white, I’m adopted.”

“No, actually, I was asking because _our_ Jon and Elias are the farthest from related.”

“Oh, well, I was adopted by the Bouchards a few years after my birth parents passed and then after they passed I’ve been watching after Elias. What exactly is your Elias like?”

The entire archive crew offered answers.

“Very old.”

“Diabolically evil.”

“Like fifty and a business owner?”

“Definitely not a pre-teen.”

“Older than me, and we’re not related at all.”

Not Jon looked rather confused.

Baira cleared her throat, “We can trade extraneous info later, what do we know about getting home.”

Turning to Jon, proper, she asked, “Can you Know anything about what’s going on?”

He shook his head.

Not Jon joined in, “Elias said it was stolen from the Institute, I can always check to see if there are any notes about it.”

“Better yet can you get us into the Institute?”

“I--I don’t know. It would be very difficult and I’m already fired if Gertrude finds out that Elias snuck out an artifact, especially if it turned out to be real.”

“Gertrude?”

“Head of the Institute, she’s an _interesting_ boss.”

“If there’s a lead to getting home, it has to be there.”

Not Jon peeled his hands off his face, “I suppose if we must, I can give Martin,” he looked up at Martin, “my Martin, a call and see if we can borrow his van to get there.

Elias was drumming his fingers together, an evil smirk crawling across his face.

“Elias, if you’re coming, and that’s a massive _if_ , I’m going to put you on a child leash.”

Elias’ smirk faded.

“When can we head out to the Institute?” Basira asked.

“Tomorrow, my shift starts at ten. I’ll call out sick from my morning shift at Tesco to give us time to prepare.”

Not Jon placed his face back into his left hand and waved his right in the air, before continuing, “It’s almost twelve now, so I’ll grab everyone blankets and we can sort out the sleeping situation in one moment.”

The room stilled while Not Jon massaged his temples, muttered to himself, and counted on his fingers.

“What exactly are you doing?” Tim asked, shaking Not Jon out of his stupor.

“Oh, I’m trying to list some positives of the situation. My therapist, Nikola, recommended it for stressful situations.”

“ _Nikola?_ ” real Jon asked.

“Yes, do you know her?”

“She’s a mannequin woman who kidnapped me for a month, tried to lotion and then skin me.”

“That is… surprisingly in character.”

**Author's Note:**

> heyyyy if yall want more of this garbage, tell me bc its not something im super committed too bc its really just trashy fun! :-P


End file.
